Tu veux ou tu veux pas (Or how I am not sure what the hell is going on anymore.)


It’s 2.01am in the morning and I can’t sleep.

My insides churn, like relentless waves crashing against the shore on a stormy night. My tears are stuck in my throat, and my breath comes out in sharp gasps, a drowning man aching for oxygen as he drowns.

I keep thinking what I could have done differently: told you the truth, called you earlier to tell you everything was okay? Perhaps right at this very moment, we could have been sharing laughs over a bottle of wine as we reminisced about how over the past two years we have been playing a long game of “does she? does he not?”

Instead, I am alone in my bed staring at my phone and I see your whatsapp profile looking back at me, empty.

I just feel so alone you know? For a second on Saturday morning as we murmured our feelings to one another, I dared to hope that I had an ally who would have my back. Someone that I could trust completely. Never have I ever dared to dream that that would be possible for someone like me.

There you were, fingers tender as you pushed my hair behind my ear and you whispered “I have always liked you.”

My heart stopped in that instant. I am not sure if you realised it though. I laughed off your comment. “Why would you like me? I am crazy!”

Then I say out loud a secret I have never told you, “I like you too,you know.”

You chuckle at that moment and proceed to tell me that you have known that I liked you. I am not sure why, but in that moment, I feel the need to protect my obvious lack of acting skills of pretending that I am not affected by you.

“Oh! But I so got over you in two months.” Lies. I am not over you.

(And probably never will be. A part of me will always remember you as the guy who made me realise that I am capable of feeling greatly about someone who happens to be one of the nicest, and most hardworking person I have come across in my life. It was always the little things you did that made me care about you.)

But for the rest of the night, it was soft cuddles and crazy talks, the kind that comes about when you are buzzed on cognac and life in general.

(I have never been that good at letting go. So I am not sure how to let you go. You have become woven into my tapestry of life, that I can cannot find the thread of where you begin or end. You have become a part of me and perhaps it will always be that way, your thoughts and actions rippling through various facets of my life.)

I am confused because we can’t seem to be honest with one another and we keep playing these games. Usually I am all for games but right now all I want is the naked truth.

No frills. No fuss. Just get straight to the point.

Tu veux ou tu veux pas?


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