I keep myself busy during the day; bury myself in my work, then work on extra projects just for fun. There really is no time to think about anything else. Or rather the lack of anything in my life.
At the end of the day, as I get ready to go to bed and there is silence ringing throughout my room that is when I am gripped by loneliness. I would wish for a warm body to hold me tight during my nightmares instead of my lifeless pillows that I keep beside me. There is no one to share my day with, not the highlights or the lowlights.
I used to just call and talk to my friends but a part of me feels clingy for having this need to reach out to someone else. To need someone to laugh along with me or just to be there while I am going through a bad time.
The truth is there is still a part of me that feels ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we all need people in our lives, that we are social creatures and it’s okay to feel needy and needed by others. In fact one of my best friends once remarked that the reason our lives had become so entwined with one another was the fact that he was more needier than me and I loved that I was so needed by him. Because he was needier than me, I was less guarded and I could show him exactly how much I needed him in my life without having to constantly apologise for wanting to share everything with him.
When we were first beginning to know one another, I felt that we were getting too close too fast and we needed to spend less time together. On a whim I decided that we would spend a week without contact. He looked at me in bemusement and told me fondly, “you do realise thats the stupidest thing you have said?”
He walked away from me after class and a part of me was disappointed that he hadn’t even fought back to stick around. There I was sitting in the canteen trying to understand the latest lecture notes, and he comes striding towards me, flops down on the chair opposite mine, covers my notes and says,” ok, you have had your separation. Two hours. Thats enough. This is stupid. I miss you. You miss me. Why do you bother trying to hide what you feel? You should never feel ashamed of how you feel! Don’t be afraid to love as much as you can. That’s your right and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.”
What he said then (6 years ago) has made an impact on me. So while I try to love freely without restraint, most people in society don’t; I always feel unequal in most relationships I establish. I am not too sure how to explain what I feel inside when I am with some of my friends with whom I feel unequal in terms of how we feel about one another.
I feel as though the more I try to be friendly, the more distant I feel from them on the inside. They slip further away from me and I seize on nothing and they are just not there anymore. No texts. No calls. No meetups. They are just gone. And all I have left are movie stubs, and wisps of blurry memories of the times we spent together.
And when I go to bed at night, a never ending void.
Its ok. I can live with this.
This is why my radio is never off.