This question has been eating me away from the inside. A question as old as time, “who should make the first move?”
I think this gets exponentially harder the closer you become over period of time, at least it does for me. What if you lose them should things get messy in the future?
These are the friends who have walked into your life, and without even you realising it, they have carved a place for themselves within you. I remember the first time I heard his name. It was fleeting, a word whispered during a meeting with regards to task that had to be done. It held no power over me. But now, just thinking about his name gets my heart beating faster and without even conscious thought, I find myself smiling.
I cannot remember how he looked or what he wore the first time we met. It was more like, he walked into the office and talked to everyone except me. I was plugged into my computer, tapping away on my keyboard trying to solve an issue on the system. I barely glanced at him to say ‘hello.’ Recently I asked him what he remembered of our first meeting and what his impression of me had been at that time. At first he was hesitant,”oh, I really cannot remember the first time we met!” But I cajoled him into spilling the truth; he had thought me snobby because I hadn’t talked to him or bothered to introduced myself. We laughed over that memory while we sipped on our drinks.
The first time we had a proper conversation, it was at an event that I had organised for my company and he was one of the invited guests. I found him sitting alone at one of the tables, and being tired from walking around in heels, I sat next to him and we started to make small talk. We found out that we both spoke the same language, though we established that I spoke better than he did.
After that we were casual friends; we would catch up every time he came over to our office to do some freelance work.
But last year, somehow we started to become better friends. Constantly meeting for dinners, or tea breaks to simply hang out and talk. It was so easy to spend hours at a restaurant just talking. Sometimes on my way back home, I would think back on what we had talked about and I would not be able to remember exactly what we had talked about.
This whole emotional conundrum only began in October of last year, when it occurred to me as we were having brunch together that I trust this person, that I care about him and that there was a part of me that wanted him to take my hand as we walked along the streets of his neighbourhood.
Who am I kidding?
So there we were sitting next to one another as we ate our food, he was sharing a story and I looked at him. Really Looked at him as he was talking and the sun was shining from behind him so there was sort of halo about his head. His eyes were bright and as dark as the chocolates that I love to eat. I was becoming drunk on his voice, and at that moment I wanted to lean over to kiss him.
That was the moment I realised I liked him. I had fallen head first without even realising I had jumped off the cliff in the first place. My first instinct after discovering this was to run away, but he asked me to stay a little bit longer so I did.
The past few months since this discovery hasn’t been easy. Both of us had seen other people but it hadn’t worked out for either of us. I keep trying to act nonchalant about him meeting other people, even if nothing happens between them. And once, I told him about another guy just see to if he would care. That was quite immature I suppose, trying to use the oldest emotion to get a reaction.
But I have a reason for doing this, as lame as it is.
See the question remains, “Do I like him cos he is there or because I actually like him?” How do I tell this apart? Is there a definite way of figuring this out? I tried going out with other guys to rule out the first part of the question. This way, I can tell if I am only into him because he happens to be there. The hardest part to figure out has been if I actually like him or I am simply in love with the idea of liking someone besides myself.
Am I over analyzing my feelings? Will we ever know how we feel or what we feel? How do we know we actually like someone? Is there a difference between liking someone as a friend and wanting something more?
If there is one thing I cannot stand, is not knowing something. This is something I have in common with Sherlock and Dr Who.
I asked around my group of friends and most offered this explanation:
“A girl can hint to a guy that she might be into him. Be available when he calls, and show that you like him. But don’t tell him directly that you like him! What will he think? A guy needs to chase the girl!”
I did further research and a pattern started to emerge. There seemed to be two camps of people, the ones who were ok with a girl telling a guy that she liked him and the other who felt that it was the role of the guy to ask the girl out.
The first group consisted of women in their 20’s, who were confident about themselves and had moved on from archaic dating rules. Does anyone even wait for 3 days before calling the person they like back? Maybe they had to do this in the past because technology moved so slowly! The guys and women who agreed with this method had this to say, “Men who cannot stand a women making the first move is simply a boy. You don’t need him in your life.”
Some also suggest that you should let your feelings be known, then wait for the guy to make a move. (Are we in a chess game? Because I am not really that good at playing chess.) I hate waiting.
The other group were harking back to the age when men were supposed hunters and women gatherers and somehow drew a correlation to the dating field, and determined that if men used to hunt in the past, they need to satisfy this part of them by hunting down their lovers. They need to make a conquest to feel manly. I wasn’t sure how much to rely on the information being shared by this group of people.
I turned to my one source of sanity; my younger sister.
“You asked your friends for advice and now you come to me?”
“Well, you should tell him in my opinion.”
“For the simple reason that the friends who have told you to just give signs and all are still bloody single.”
I guess I just need to know what he thinks. Should I tell him how I feel? And if I do, how should I tell him?
I feel that honesty is one of the most important values in any relationship. The friends I hold closest in my heart are the ones I can count on to tell me the brutal time especially when they know that the truth can hurt me. Surely, it cannot hurt to be honest and upfront about something like this? Isn’t it better to fight the bull but its horns rather than have it stab you from the back?
Sometimes risks have to be taken,consequences be damned.