Lately, I have been feeling discontent. I feel displaced in the universe, a note out of tune with the rest of the symphony. I have spent the past few days in my bed, trying to figure out what it is that I am meant to do with my life. I know that having this life is a gift, the fact that there is life at all is a point that continues to fascinate me. But recently, this knowledge isn’t comforting.
Perhaps, this idea is like a virus, infecting a small portion of me until it has spread to my entire being and I suffocate within my own thoughts.
Why is that I have many friends, and four for whom I would even give my own life for, and yet I feel so alone? I have the ability to reach out and talk to them, and I do that, but even when I am with my best friend, there is always a part of me that feels alone. Loneliness and choosing to be alone is differentiated by a very fine line, and there are times when this line gets blurred in my daily life.
I have not held a typical 9-5 job for the past few weeks and this has given me lots of time to think and reflect.
Some of the pressing question that continues to haunt my every waking moment:
- Why are we paying for education?
- What will the world be like if we had no such thing as money?
- What will the world be like if we did things for each other without expecting anything in return?
- What if the concept of religion had never existed? Would we still have crusades and reformative camps?
- What if greed didn’t exist?
- What does it feel like to be loved back by someone you love/crush on?
- Who invented the concept of shaving? Did someone accidentally nick off the hair on someone else’s face in the midst of cutting off their throat and went, ‘wow, your features are really fine without this jungle on your face’ and from then on decided that the hairless ape look was in?
- Why do we need to have 9-5 jobs?
- Am I actually living or this is some form of alternative reality? Is it just me or do you sometimes feel like you are walking separate from others, and you look around you and ask yourself, is this it, expecting to wake up from some sort of dream but you don’t?
- Who was the first human and who would be the last?
- Bonus question: What else will happen before Sherlock Season 3 is out?
So to snap myself out of this funk, I have accepted the fact that I don’t have all the answers yet. And perhaps I won’t find the answers to most of these questions. But I can change how I feel inside of me. This hallow feeling won’t completely disappear but I can fill it up with things I love.
I went for a run earlier today and it helped to clear my head. I ran until I couldn’t breathe and I had stitches on the side of tummy. I came back to my room and dumped everything on my table onto the floor, redid my vision board, and set up my motivation charts to remind me what it is I am working towards.
Usually one person doesn’t solve the solution, but 100 people with 1% of the solution that will get it done. I think thats beautiful, pieces solving a puzzle. (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D)
(My vision board and my motivational posters)