Sex doesn’t change you. (I am not an object to be used)

“Look around your college classroom, spot the virgins.

See, this seems like a game until you skip over the girl with a short skirt and hair in front of her eyes because you heard last summer that she slept with like nineteen guys. You can’t see her hands, but they’re under the table, pulling a rosary through her fingers as she tries to wash the sin off her. She’s only ever kissed three people in her whole life and they’re all girls. She turned down the wrong guy and he told everyone she’s “a whore.” The label “slut” stuck to the bottom of her shoe and swallowed her up.

But that quiet girl who is always reading probably never touched someone else’s penis, you figure, because you don’t know that she goes home and strips down and pulls on tight black leather, you don’t know she’s got a set of whips that could make any set of knees quiver, you don’t know because she’s proud of what she does but she’s not stupid enough to let anyone know about it. She’s sexy, just not here, not where people judge.

See, the truth is: you have no idea who has lost their virginity, because it doesn’t change you. It doesn’t give you some kind of glow or superpower or stamp on your forehead. You know the feeling of waking up on your birthday and thinking “I don’t feel any older whatsoever”? That’s what maybe they’re all so afraid of you finding out: sex doesn’t change you. Sex doesn’t make you an animal, sex doesn’t suddenly make your relationship a million times more stable or intimate or romantic – it can’t fix what’s broken, although it can make the pain go away for a bit. Sex doesn’t really occur with eighty tea lights and a thick white rug. Sex is ugly and loud and frequently awkward, sex is excellent and breathtaking and when you wake up the next morning, you’re the exact same person. There’s not some magical connection with the person in bed beside you. Believe it or not, pregnancy isn’t some kind of punishment – but practice safe sex, get tested, don’t spread your germs around. They want to tell you, “Sex can ruin you” and I’ve heard that a lot as a little girl, that some boy would join me under my sheets and then dump me four days after, used, unhappy.

But I figured out that I’m not a fucking toy. Letting someone have sex with me is not letting them “use” me, because I’m not an object. My father said the issue lay in the fact “Men are insecure and need to know that they’re the best you ever had,” but I think that’s a steaming crock of absolute-wrong and if I didn’t tell the people I’m with how many others I’d slept beside, there would be literally no way for them to know my number, because I don’t rust, I don’t wear out, I don’t get bruised. I’m not a wilting fruit, I don’t go rotten.

But here’s the thing: some people connect sex and emotion. I don’t personally because I am probably secretly an ice storm in disguise, but I still respect my partner’s desires. If they’re the type to want love and sex to coincide, I let them. I don’t make fun, I don’t pull one-night-stands or friends-with-benefits, because it’s not their “reputation” I’m afraid for: it’s their heart I’m defending.

Here’s the thing: Instead of worrying about people’s “purity” and how it defines them as a person, worry instead about how you can protect other people’s emotions.

Because here’s the thing: look around your room and spot the virgins. Look harder. You can’t tell. Sex doesn’t alter people, it doesn’t make them act in a certain way nor dress in a certain manner. Sex and personality have nothing to do with each other. There’s a reason that virginity doesn’t show on someone’s face: because having sex doesn’t cause you to change.”

—  “I lost my virginity to a boy I didn’t even love…” /// r.i.d

 

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#Love: I’m Single, Therefore I Tinder

Originally posted on TechCrunch:

In the game of Tinder , you win or you get bored and give up. That is pretty much standard operating procedure for anyone with a smartphone and a libido.

But what if you’re bad at Tinder?

Naturally, I can’t solve all your problems. But experts from across the country, as well as Tinder’s own Sean Rad, have hooked us up with some solid advice.

Tinder represents a new phase in the era of online dating. At one point, the only real online dating options were eHarmony and Match.com, and their rich, divorced customers were usually looking for something more serious. Then came OkCupid, asking you to browse photos in the cold blue light of your computer.

Now, we’re in the age of Tinder. The Tinder Years. Not only is the app free, but it tries its best to mimic the experience of perusing hotties in a bar, as…

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“I Don’t Mean to Baffle You, But I Do: Queerplatonic Partnerships”

“There’s a tendency to value romantic and sexual relationships over other types of relationships, where friendship and queerplatonic connections are considered the training wheels for the real relationship, and where it’s assumed that nonsexual partners always take a back seat to other kinds of relationships. And don’t enjoy a connection with the same emotional depth as a sexual relationship. We are, after all, just the second fiddles, the entertainment while the primary partner is away.

The devaluation of these kinds of connections means that many people are also deeply confused by them, especially when they encounter queerplatonic partners in person. And I do say partner, and sometimes refer to the unit formed by a partner and myself as a couple, because we are. We function like a couple, we do things together, we are intimate with each other, though not necessarily in the way people expect. We are a couple. (…)

We baffle and confuse people. They don’t understand how two people who appear on the surface to be a romantic couple are not, and all the attempts in the world to disentangle their assumptions usually end up just more snarled and snagged, because of the deeply rooted social attitudes about relationships and friendships and everything between. The very concept of a queerplatonic relationship is beyond the ken for most people; even if it’s thumbnail defined as an intense friendship, though this is not really accurate, people still don’t get it. They can’t fathom the idea that people can enjoy intimate relationships that are not intimate in the sexual sense.”

—  “I Don’t Mean to Baffle You, But I Do: Queerplatonic Partnerships”

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Writings For Winter – For Twenty Year-Olds who have never been loved

All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.

I screwed up

I screwed up at work and that feeling sucks. I forgot to check one thing because I assumed it had been done by someone else…and lost data in the process. 

Making assumptions has always been getting me into trouble, and I should have known better by now. 

Well, there is no point crying over split milk. Time to think of how this situation can be salvaged. 

 

A woman of war by Mehreen Kasana

“As women, when we’re children we’re taught to enter the world with big hearts. Blooming hearts. Hearts bigger than our damn fists. We are taught to forgive – constantly – as opposed to what young boys are taught: Revenge, to get ‘even.’ Our empathy is constantly made appeals to, often demanded for. If we refuse to show kindness, we are reprimanded. We are not good women if we do not crush our bones to make more space for the world, if we do not spread our entire skin over rocks for others to tread on, if we do not kill ourselves in every meaning of the word in the process of making it cozy for everyone else. It is the heat generated by the burning of our bodies with which the world keeps warm. We are taught to sacrifice so much for so little. This is the general principle all over the world.

By the time we are young women, we are tired. Most of us are drained. Some of us enter a lock of silence because of that lethargy. Some of us lash out. When I think of that big, blooming heart we once had, it looks shriveled and worn out now. When I was teaching, I had a young student named Mariam. She was only 11 years old. Some boy pushed her around in class, called her names, broke her spirit for the day. We were sitting under a chestnut tree on a field trip and she asked me if a boy ever hurt me. I told her many did and I destroyed them one by one. I think that’s the first time she ever heard the word ‘destroyed.’ We rarely teach our girls to fight back for the right reasons.

Take up more space as a woman. Take up more time. Take your time. You are taught to hide, censor, move about without messing up decorum for a man’s comfort. Whether it’s said or not, you’re taught balance. Forget that. Displease. Disappoint. Destroy. Be loud, be righteous, be messy. Mess up and it’s fine – you are learning to unlearn. Do not see yourself like glass. Like you could get dirty and clean. You are flesh. You are not constant. You change. Society teaches women to maintain balance and that robs us of our volatility. Our mercurial hearts. Calm and chaos. Love only when needed; preserve otherwise.

Do not be a moth near the light; be the light itself. Do not let a man’s ocean-big ego swallow you up. Know what you want. Ask yourself first. Decide your own pace. Decide your own path. Be cruel when needed. Be gentle only when needed. Collapse and then re-construct. When someone says you are being obscene, say yes I am. When they say you are being wrong, say yes I am. When they say you are being selfish, say yes I am. Why shouldn’t I be? How do you expect a woman to stand on her two feet if you keep striking her at the ankles.

There are multiple lessons we must teach our young girls so that they render themselves their own pillars instead of keeping male approval as the focal point of their lives. It is so important to state your feelings of inconvenience as a woman. We are instructed to tailor ourselves and our discomfort – constantly told that we are ‘whining’ and ‘nagging’ and ‘complaining too much.’ That kind of silence is horribly violent, that kind of insistence upon uniformly nodding in agreement to your own despair, and smiling emptily so no man is ever uncomfortable around us. Male-entitlement dictates a woman’s silence. If we could see the mimetic model of the erasure of a woman’s voice, it would be an incredibly bloody sight.

On a breezy July night, my mother and I were sleeping under the open sky. Before dozing off, I told her that I think there is a special place in heaven where all wounded women bury their broken hearts and their hearts grow into trees that only give fruit to the good and poison to the bad. She smiled and said Ameen. Then she closed her eyes.”

—  A Woman of War by Mehreen Kasana

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The Lolita Burger

inksplati:

Is this heaven? #burgerporn

Originally posted on PornBurger:

At first glance, it’s easy to assume this barely legal (sorry California) slider seduction, is just another hot piece of PB&J… Well let’s just say the devil’s in the details. This petite package is comprised of potato chip encrusted, foie gras pâte à choux, a sultry sweet onion jam, bacon peanut butter, pan seared foie gras, and a grass-fed beef patty. Foie real you ask? Foie 100% serious.

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I am lonely. And it’s ok.

I keep myself busy during the day; bury myself in my work, then work on extra projects just for fun. There really is no time to think about anything else. Or rather the lack of anything in my life.

At the end of the day, as I get ready to go to bed and there is silence ringing throughout my room that is when I am gripped by loneliness. I would wish for a warm body to hold me tight during my nightmares instead of my lifeless pillows that I keep beside me. There is no one to share my day with, not the highlights or the lowlights.

I used to just call and talk to my friends but a part of me feels clingy for having this need to reach out to someone else. To need someone to laugh along with me or just to be there while I am going through a bad time.

The truth is there is still a part of me that feels ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we all need people in our lives, that we are social creatures and it’s okay to feel needy and needed by others. In fact one of my best friends once remarked that the reason our lives had become so entwined with one another was the fact that he was more needier than me and I loved that I was so needed by him. Because he was needier than me, I was less guarded and I could show him exactly how much I needed him in my life without having to constantly apologise for wanting to share everything with him.

When we were first beginning to know one another, I felt that we were getting too close too fast and we needed to spend less time together. On a whim I decided that we would spend a week without contact. He looked at me in bemusement and told me fondly, “you do realise thats the stupidest thing you have said?”

He walked away from me after class and a part of me was disappointed that he hadn’t even fought back to stick around. There I was sitting in the canteen trying to understand the latest lecture notes, and he comes striding towards me, flops down on the chair opposite mine, covers my notes and says,” ok, you have had your separation. Two hours. Thats enough. This is stupid. I miss you. You miss me. Why do you bother trying to hide what you feel? You should never feel ashamed of how you feel! Don’t be afraid to love as much as you can. That’s your right and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.”

What he said then (6 years ago) has made an impact on me. So while I try to love freely without restraint, most people in society don’t; I always feel unequal in most relationships I establish. I am not too sure how to explain what I feel inside when I am with some of my friends with whom I feel unequal in terms of how we feel about one another.

I feel as though the more I try to be friendly, the more distant I feel from them on the inside. They slip further away from me and I seize on nothing and they are just not there anymore. No texts. No calls. No meetups. They are just gone. And all I have left are movie stubs, and wisps of blurry memories of the times we spent together.

And when I go to bed at night, a never ending void.

Its ok. I can live with this.

This is why my radio is never off.

Forge yourself.

“You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.

You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like.

If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.

Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, and watching days go by and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference.

Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire—overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary. ”

—  Julien Smith

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self happiness

10 steps to happiness.

1. Surround yourself with positive people. 

The best thing I could have ever done for myself was to surround myself with people who were more talented, more grounded, more happy than me. Sometimes when you feel like all hope is lost, these are the people who will stand by your side, and lend you a hand to help you pull yourself together again. If someone is poisonous to your growth, get rid of them immediately. You will be surprised with the lightness you find inside of yourself, each time you cut off an obnoxious soul-sucking vampire of a weed from your life.

2. Laugh more. 

There will be days at a stretch when you can barely get dressed and face life. Try to smile anyway.

At first this will be hard. I used to look like I was either in pain or feeling constipated every time I tried to make my mouth form a smile. But eventually, it became easier to smile and there were times I would have a full out throttle. Laughter lights up your soul. It lifts your spirits and releases happy hormones into your body. Its win-win situation, really.

3. Appreciate life. 

Look up at the clouds and figure what shapes they form. Look at the tiles on the floor of your toilet/room/hall and do you see the images in them? When was the last time you played out in the rain? Feel the air blow out of your lungs as you went on a sprint? Told someone how much you loved them? Hugged someone? You are alive. Revel in that fact. You are here and the world is passing you by, nothing will ever be the same again. Look around you and remember. Be thankful.

4. Make wishes on the first star you see. 

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish, I wish tonight.

I never stopped making wishes on the first star I spotted at night. For a few seconds, your entire being is focused on thinking about what it is that matters the most to you at that moment. Ask the universe for what you need, and you will get it in some form because now you have set the wheels in motion towards getting whatever it is that you wished for. Because you are now aware that this is something you really want, you subconsciously start doing things that puts you in the path towards achieving this dream.

5. Learn to let go of your anger.

Anger and hate used to burn me up from the inside. It was anger that propelled me to do many things; it fueled my competitive streak. But it also left me feeling empty after I was done feeling angry. Words were poison on my tongue.

Learning to control my temper was perhaps one of the best things I could have done for myself. I still get angry but I no longer use it as an excuse to hurt someone else. I am still competitive but it is now fueled by my desire to simply give my best at whatever I do. Everytime I feel myself getting angry, I assess the situation; if I can walk away from the situation to allow myself to calm down before I address the issue that triggered my anger, I walk away. If I can’t walk away, I just focus on my breathing and keep reminding myself to remain neutral.

6. Be your own savior.

Many times we try to find our strength in an external source, be it a friend or religion. Save yourself. Know that you have the strength within you to deal with whatever is being thrown your way. This means that you have acknowledge your own worth. It is so easy to believe that we are useless, not good for anything. Because acknowledging you are good for something, means having to accept responsibility for yourself and whatever you set out to do. Do not be limited by the colour of your skin, or by your social status.

We all count. We are made of stardust, you and I. Our every breath contains fragments of the universe. Learn to believe. Wear your confidence like an armour. Everytime you fall down, take a breath and rise again. Stronger. Iron gets stronger as it gets forged in the flames.

7. Be your own Cheerleader.

Love yourself. Perhaps one of the hardest lesson life will try to teach you. Your imperfections and flaws. The worst critic you will ever come across in your life is the one you find in the mirror. What you imagine others to think about you, are merely projections of your own fear. Listen to them. Find out why you feel that way.

If you constantly think you are not going to be good enough for something, instead of just giving up on it, fix it. Go pick up the skills you need to become better. Be the active agent in your life. Be your own cheerleader.

“You can do it,S!!!” is something I tell myself every morning as I get ready for the day. It perks me up and makes me believe that I can deal with whatever shit is thrown my way!

8. Listen more. 

Actively listening is very different from hearing what someone is telling you. When you are actively listening to someone, your entire being is focused on what the other person is saying. You are not distracted by anything else. When you listen actively, your entire body becomes engaged in the process, your body leans forward, you look directly into the other person’s eyes.

Listen and you get friends for life.

9. Be eternally curious.

Being curious nourishes your soul. There is so much that happens around us all the time, a hundred lifetimes will not be enough to learn everything about the world that we live in, yet alone about the universe that we inhibit.

Stay curious. Don’t be afraid to ask Why? This singular word is enough to expand your knowledge of the world around you.

Why do we believe in god? Why can’t we sneeze and breathe at the same time? Why did man want to fly? Why do we fall in love? Why aren’t shows like fashion police banned? Why can’t humans just get along instead of being dickheads? Why isn’t hogwarts real?

10. Don’t forget to play. 

We are constantly trying to grow up, be an adult. But don’t lose the essence of playfulness. Tinker around on little projects. Jump in puddles you come across after a rain. Make snow angels, chase your friends around a park. Prank your partner. Why so serious?

Bonus:
I was a nobody, the girl who was bullied by her peers and was only asked to join projects if they thought I could help them win by answering the questions. Books were my best friends. Heck, a teacher even coined the moniker “dirty princess” just for me when I was 11. Growing up was not a happy period in my life. By the time I was 14, I was surly and a walking dynamite ready to blow up at the slightly provocation.

It took me 9 years, but here I am, happy. Something I never thought I could be when I was growing up. I am surrounded by people who love me and whom I love in return. I am constantly being asked to join various parties or gatherings because I can be the life of the party. Who knew this could happen? Certainly not me when I was 14.Its been a long road of self-acceptance, perseverance, and learning to be appreciative of all that I have in my life.

This post is for anyone who is feeling down and the future seems dark, paved with loneliness. There is hope. Just believe in yourself. Know that you have the courage within yourself to face your worst fears, and move on from that experience. Work towards to being a better person, and before you know it, people will be telling you how awesome you are. Recently some friends even set up a FaceBook fanpage for me.

Who’s the dirty princess now?